


The Painful Torment of a Love Behind Doors

by xbyLux



Category: The Ultimate Sidemen
Genre: Fluff and Smut, Forbidden, Gay, M/M, Miniminter - Freeform, Secret Relationship, Zerkaa - Freeform, the ultimate sidemen - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-12
Updated: 2017-05-03
Packaged: 2018-09-23 16:21:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9665315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xbyLux/pseuds/xbyLux
Summary: religious boarding schools aren't the best place to fall in love with the new boy.





	1. meeting

**Author's Note:**

> I don't think this will get many reads but i write purely for fun and this is the first piece of writing i've actually posted :) i hope anyone who reads it enjoys! kind of a sappy story, poorly written, gay. very gay. ;) please leave comments to let me know if i should continue to post or not

Simon walked through the door, engulfed in the crowd of new and returning students. Everyone bustled to get through, desperate to meet up with old friends to catch up and reunite after a long 10 minutes since they entered the school grounds. They were heading towards the recreation hall to spend the next hour before the first class of many this term. Simon slugged across the ground towards his sofa; it had been claimed by him and 3 of his mates on their freshmen year, it had originally been Tobi’s idea to declare it their own but Ethan and JJ easily complied if it meant they could avoid the cafeteria. “Hey! How you been man?” Tobi asked, strolling round towards Simon and holding out his hand. “I’m good, not looking forward to living back here though” Simon grabbed his hand and patted his back in a hug. Although he loved his friends, he had never enjoyed the boarding school; there was never a time when he could just stop and take a break from everyone and everything. Tobi and Simon simultaneously slumped onto the chair and pulled out their phones. “I see you and Kate are cuter than ever” Simon quickly scooting closer to take a more detailed look at Tobi’s lock screen. “Yeah.” Tobi grinned, his smile beaming fondness. The screen showed a photo of a petite ginger girl with Tobi’s arms wrapped around her shoulders lightly, both smiling and natural. “So, where’s your girlfriend?” Simon looked down, he assumed he just hadn’t found the right girl yet; and for all his life so far that’s all it was. “Come on man, I’ve seen Jessica Rayon checking you out, maybe you could try and make friends with her if you want a girlfriend really badly” Simon had never wanted a girlfriend but as if he was going to tell any of his friends that, being in a religious school made the ‘gay’ label even worse. He wasn’t gay, Atleast that’s what Simon had always thought. He had never really thought about it at all until everyone around him had started to gain attention from the opposite sex. “JJ fucked her over the holidays, I don’t want to A: be sloppy seconds, or B: get involved with any of JJ’s love affairs” Simon laughed, shrugging the topic off like he always found easiest. “that limits your options by the whole school but, agreed” Tobi chuckled and looked back to his phone; Simon seemed distracted. He glanced around the girls in the room, he wasn’t denying their good looks or personalities, he just never saw what the others had told him he should be seeing. A loud clatter averted everyone’s attention to the door; a dark-brown haired boy stumbled through having trouble with the door handle, then coughed as he realised that everyone was staring. His chocolate eyes wandered and struck with Simon’s and he swear he could hear his own heartbeat; “Josh where were you?” Tobi spoke gesturing an invite with his hand while everyone returned to conversation, “Just looking round, trying to memorise where everything is” He smiled. Simon stayed silent, not by choice but by inability to spout anything; “oh right, Josh, Simon, Simon, Josh; Josh’s come here from America and we met outside, I thought we could help welcome him into Hogwarts” Simon forced a smile but his eyes stayed attached to Josh’s, “Of course, welcome to the crew” He chuckled, internally kicking himself for acting so strange. First impressions usually counted a lot to Simon. Josh had stubble and a confident stance, shiny oak coloured hair and a messy tie. There was something that Simon couldn’t help but find different; his heart was about to burst out of his chest as Josh sat down delicately next to him. “So, the English accent...?” Simon asked with a spurt of confidence, “I was born here in London, both my parents are originally English; as they lost their British roots I was determined to keep mine, so when we moved up to Cali a few years back, I kept my accent” He laughed, “You answered that so quickly, I guess loads of people ask you that right” “most people just accept it, label me ‘exotic’” They both laughed. Simon nervously ran his hand through his perky blonde hair, Simon felt the phone he had placed back in his pocket vibrate. “I’m going to go get some air, it’s really claustrophobic with so many people in here” he chuckled, quickly standing up and heading for the exit. Tobi’s head followed Simon’s fleeting body as he evacuated, “that’s weird, he’s not usually like this” Tobi furrowed his eyebrows, “New people scare me too, especially handsome people” “Huh?” Tobi asked not totally paying attention as a new notification came through. “Nothing” Josh laughed, glancing towards the door. Josh was bisexual; he knew a beautiful person when he saw one. Today was a day when he saw one, and spoke to one, and had one walk out on him. Josh knew in a religious school that he’d have to keep quiet about his sexuality and had absolutely no chance with Simon, which surprisingly disappointed him more than hiding himself.

Simon sighed as he strolled with his hands in his blazer pockets and looked out at the grounds that he’d known for many years; countryside, far from his home town in the city. Although religious with an antique building, their school was quite advanced in technology and there was always Wi-Fi and computers to use it. The one thing he enjoyed about school was the speedy internet. Simon’s brain returned with a shake of his head and he remembered the reason he left the meeting room; he quickly took his phone out of his pocket and checked it, one missed call: JJ. Simon rolled his eyes at JJ’s predictable behaviour; “So what’s the excuse?” Simon laughed after ringing JJ back. “Well, I actually got to school this time but-” “’There was this girl’ right?” JJ’s laugh pierced the line, Simon quickly realising he was right, not surprised. “So, when are you going to come and meet up with us? And do you have any idea where Ethan is?” Simon swayed and kicked his foot on the gravel as he spoke, “Soon, I’m just trying to fix my uniform… Ethan’s probably with Emily, they managed to get rooms next to each other this year” “I see… well you should hurry up before period one starts” “I’m coming! Have you met Josh yet?” Simon’s foot stopped and stood stationary, embarrassed from how he had acted when they first met. “Yeah, he’s nice” Simon remembered his messy tie and stumbling awkwardness. He smiled. “He’s your type” JJ laughed, “what?” “Brunettes with beards, don’t you remember Kacey?” Simon let out a breath he wasn’t aware he was holding and huffed a nervous laugh, “I never really liked her like that anyway” “Nah, I fucked her last year, boring, standard. You weren’t missing out on much” “Woah I didn’t know- anyway, we’ll discuss this later, just hurry the fuck up and maybe call Ethan on your way” Simon breathed, a smile noticeable in his voice. “Byeeee” JJ continued as Simon hung up, “You alright?” Simon jumped and spun round to see Josh and Tobi standing behind him. “Just got a call from Jide, he’s running late” Simon smiled, “a girl?” Tobi asked, knowing the answer. “As per usual” Simon chuckled. “I’m guessing JJ’s quite the player?” Josh joined, his head looked to the floor but tilted to look up to Simon. “That’s quite the understatement” He laughed. “Do y’all wanna come up to my room for the next hour before lesson? My roommate will be there but he’s friendly enough” Tobi offered, raising his hands in the deal. “What about mine? I mean I never got to meet my roommate considering I arrived pretty late and I assume they’re still in the group room” Josh said with a convincing smile, “Yeah alright, mone?” “Sure” happy toned. They quickly strolled to the dorms and as they passed through the familiar corridors a realisation soon dawned on both Simon and Tobi; as they reached the door to what Josh claimed as his room Simon realised that maybe he wouldn’t be spending this term as alone as he usually liked. The room was Simon’s singular room that he’d accommodated for many years; names were carved under the beds and secret spaces were found and used. It was the room of many firsts and for years had been Simon’s alone; the room was so small that they’d assigned it singular and that’s how Simon was used to it, Josh’s stuff scattered around the second bed that usually remained empty almost seemed like an invasion of privacy, but maybe it would be a good change and help Simon get to know Josh more. The room had two beds on opposing sides and a desk further down, the space between the beds was enough for two people to walk through standing next to each other and there was a shelf for personal belongings; The box TV on a stand next to the desk was something Simon had brought from home sophomore year, one reason why his room was always the centre of the sleepovers. Simon noticed something new; it was an Xbox one. The new addition filled him with excitement and he knew him and Josh would get along. “feel free to get comfy” Josh chuckled, Simon flopped down onto his bed causing Josh to laugh, “Meet your roommate” Tobi announced, gesturing his hand towards a relaxing Simon. Josh’s face went through shock to happiness in 2 seconds, “Thank god for that, I was not looking forward to having to introduce myself to anyone else” Simon smiled and started to think that maybe he would prefer a friend to being alone. “Guess we’ll be spending the next year together” Josh put his hand out for Simon to shake, he obliged with a smile, “I guess so” They smiled at each other before Simon sat up, “Hope you don’t mind me too much” “I don’t think it’ll be a problem” Josh smirked, sitting on the floor next to Tobi, tucking his legs and wrapping his arms around them.


	2. bad influence

The school bell interrupted the laughing from the three; classes were starting soon. “JJ only just paid off his last detention debts and he’s already going to be late” Tobi chuckled, picking up his bag, preparing to travel to lessons. “he also missed out on a great match of FIFA” Josh added, turning off all the electricals. “me beating you 6-0” Simon coughed, Josh pushed him lightly as they exited their new-found shared dorm room. Simon could already feel Josh becoming part of their group, it was like they were already fitting a space for him in every activity, or that there was always already a space. A spare bed. Josh was almost one of them, but Simon still couldn’t help but see something different about him. He noticed every detail about him; the way he bit his top lip and swept his hair across his forehead as he listened. His senses were heightened but he had no idea why. “We have the same timetable, I saw it on the desk when I arrived” Josh said with a smile as they strolled, Simon smirked, “I’ll guide you to English lit”                                    Simon sat in his isolated seat in the back of the English room and looked at Miss Preston examining Josh and trying to place him somewhere in the class. Every girl in the room was also watching, biting their pencils and twirling their hair; flirting without words. “well ‘Josh’… I think I’ll put you next to Mr Minter, so you won’t be a Distraction” She curled, shouting the last word and slamming her hand down on the desk of one of the flirting females. The girl jumped backwards and her posture went straight; Miss Preston was relishing in her old age. Her grey hair was pinned so tightly to her head that Simon often thought it might have pierced her scalp and she always wore something that resembled a nightgown. Josh swayed over with a smile and sat next to me, “guess yours’ll be the test I cheat from ‘Minter’” Josh chuckled, “I didn’t know we were on last name basis yet Josh, considering I don’t know yours” “Bradley, Josh Bradley” he expanded with a proud smile, “Shaken not stirred, right?” Josh cracked a laugh and ducked his head on the table. Simon folded his arms and rested them on the table, an accomplished smile on his face; “fuck” Simon whispered, as a folded piece of paper hit him in the eye. A hand covering his damaged eye, he looked at the paper. ‘For Josh.’ He nudged Josh and reluctantly passed the paper, knowing full-well what it was from Freya staring across at Josh. The teachers were so unaware of the sexual activity at the school but if caught directly, an obvious punishment would be put in place. The policy on same-sex sexual activity or even relationships, was worse. Expulsion, public shaming and abuse; Simon had seen one girl in the year above in his previous school year after she came out. No one would hesitate to stop them, everyone would just watch as people pushed the girl around, not even the teachers, or Simon, but still he had never understood why any of that mattered, having sex in class could be understandably wrong and slightly disgusting but if people are in love, feel ready and find an appropriate location, there’s no problem right? Josh’s eyes widened as he read the note, but he smiled when he exchanged glances with Freya. “What did it say?” Simon pried, torturing himself with a strange feeling of hurt and jealousy. “She just wants to hang out with me someday, but for some reason the wink face gives me a slightly different idea” They both laughed quietly, Josh tossed the note in his bag nonchalant and continued to listen to the dramatic reading of ‘Romeo and Juliet’ that was being performed. Simon leant on his hand and let his eyes wander to Josh once again as he dazed. Josh was more than happy to be sat next to Simon and he really did like him, but he also hated him for leading him along. The looks, the words and the softness in his eyes told him something that couldn’t possibly be true; Every time Josh felt their knees touch under the table he could sense tension build, the sort of tension that would bubble over and cause him to grab Simon and kiss him. He sat on the edge of his chair, knowing that if he even looked at Simon he’d be sure to do something he’d regret. He didn’t have any intent of seeing that girl, as he clearly already had someone on his mind. Simon was terrified Josh would catch him staring and get the wrong idea, but by the way he was feeling, he thought maybe anything felt plausible.                   The next lesson was art. Simon enjoyed art, although he wasn’t particularly good at the physical aspect his creative path usually made up for it. Simon usually only shared art with Ethan but Josh’s arrival obviously changed that; Ethan was talented in the art department (one of the only things he would admit he was good at) and he could create things that said something more complex than Ethan could word. He spoke his mind through his art and if the rest of the boys wanted to find something out about him, they’d know where to go. “So what’s this?” Josh asked as they walked into the wooden room splattered with paint; “Art.” Simon laughed, looking around at the familiar graphite drawings and oil paintings pinned to the walls around the room. “it’s colourful, I love it” Josh smiled, placing himself on one of the many oak wood stools. “This is the lesson where we mostly mess around and chat unless you want to actually do some art in which case I will be happy to oblige” Simon announced, “I actually love art, I have a notebook if you’d wanna see some of the stuff I..?” Josh asked, reaching for his bag with a hesitant look towards Simon. “sure, I’m assuming you’re a brilliant artist, right?” “That would be quite an exaggeration but it’s something I’d say I’m actually okay at” he smiled, Simon sat down next to a fumbling Josh trying to fish his notebook from his bag. “You tick all the boxes; you’re funny, kind, an _artist_ , and you’re gorgeous” Josh looked up at Simon, his body frozen as his heart skipped a beat. Simon’s breath caught in his throat as he realised what he’d just said, “The girls must be all over you” he covered. “do I look like a player to you?” Josh spread a smile, a smile he faked obviously. He couldn’t help but feel slightly disappointed. “Found it” Josh pulled a large A4 decorated art pad up and placed it on the table. Simon eagerly nudged closer to Josh who was flipping open the book, “woah” Simon glanced at the portrait on the page. It was of a girl and done completely in pencil, she was smiling and he could see every detail of her face, he could tell this was made with love in mind. “That’s mad, you’re so talented. Was this a girlfriend?” Simon asked, tracing the outline of the girl delicately with his finger. “Yes actually, she was pretty much my first everything. We were together for a year before I moved to California, I haven’t spoken to her since I left. I didn’t tell her I was leaving, I just couldn’t handle that.” “That must have sucked, for both sides” Josh sighed and Simon realised that he’d dug up some roots that he wished he hadn’t. They stayed in comfortable silence for a while, Simon flicking through Josh’s notepad in amazement. “Minter!” A cheerful voice bellowed from the classroom entrance, Simon could already tell who it was. “Nice to see you’re back Behz” Simon smiled, turning around and bringing him in for a quick hug. “Not too caught up in Emily then?” Josh giggled at Simon. “It’s not like that with Em; she’s so much more than a handjob and a chat, trust me” Ethan sat on a stool across from the pair with a childish grin. “we’ve spent all summer together,” “But she lives miles away from you” Simon placed his hand delicately on josh’s drawings, still observing every detail. “We camped out and just travelled, honestly it’s been so much more than anything else I’ve had with anyone” “Even me?” Simon joked, Ethan cackled his usual laugh and continued to lightly shade an incomplete drawing on his page. “We’ve only kissed once, many years ago, and like I’ve said so many times before, I’m not gay. I’m very much into females” Simon’s eyes widened at Ethan’s upfront attitude to the whole story. Josh had the same reaction, but more to the new fact than the way he’d said it. “you say that as if stuff like that is acceptable here…” “There’s no one here yet Si, there’s literally no one else around to hear” Simon blames it on curiosity, and Ethan blamed it on wanting to practice for his current mistress of the time. He’d never really let it go though; it was obvious 14 year olds made mistakes but any time it was mentioned, Simon couldn’t help but feel awkward. It clearly meant more than a practice round to him. It wasn’t the only time he’d wanted to kiss Ethan but obviously, he’d push the thoughts away; he thought it lucky that those feelings had disappeared quickly. The one time they had kissed, Ethan had proposed it and feeling so confused in the moment, Simon jumped to the offer to help Ethan out with some ‘Extra-curricular homework’ as he’d first called it. Josh stayed silent, clenching his lips to hide a smile. “Oh fuck, I completely forgot. Ethan, this is Josh. He’s originally from London but moved to California and then arrived back here.” Ethan put out a hand for Josh, who shook it happily. “Nice to meet you, I’ve heard good things” Josh said with a toothy smile, “I like the accent.” Ethan smirked with a nod, Simon snickered into his sleeve. “so, which dorm block are you staying in?” Ethan asked, returning to his artwork; “somehow I managed to end up in a room with Simon” Josh laughed, Ethan looked kind of shocked. “It seems Simon’s lonely lair is no longer” He laughed, Josh grinned. “I guess so, I mean Atleast now I have an easy fifa opponent. And an Xbox, that’s quite sick” “Jesus Christ, I will be coming down to your dorm often. How much of an easy target though?” “6-0” Simon announced proudly, “Oh boys, that’s bad” Ethan laughed, still staring down at his page. “May I ask a question?” Josh blurted, “Go for it” Simon and Ethan chorused. “Why is there no one in here and it’s 10 minutes into lesson time. Like do we have a teacher for this lesson or…?” Simon laughed, “Well, the teacher in this lesson usually gets here around 30 minutes in, so everyone uses it as an opportunity to skive, but they’ll be here around 10:28. If they’re not, something’s up” Josh looked mildly dazed for a second but soon adjusted to the idea. It seemed this really was more of a Hogwarts; his old school had been completely unmotivated and so had he, one of the reasons he was brought back to England and into a boarding school. The idea of a Hogwarts like school seemed way more motivating compared to the alcoholic teachers and constant beatings of his old one. “Well why are we here then?” Josh laughed, “Well, Ethan would never miss an art lesson and I thought skiving on your first day would make me a bad influence” “somehow I feel like I’ll be more of a bad influence than you” “Good to know” Simon smiled.


	3. unfortunately.

“At last he joins us!” Tobi announced. The group were all sitting in their usual spot in the courtyard, lessons were going painfully slow but somehow, they’d made it to lunch. Ethan and Emily coddled in each other’s arms, Tobi laying back on his forearms. Simon was sat cross-legged, Josh next to Tobi. Simon picked lazily at the grass between his legs, blazer tossed away, unbearable in the heat. Josh’s eyes wandered over Simon’s tight white shirt in the blazing sun and the way it hadn’t been ironed but he thought that maybe it looked better like that. Simon wasn’t muscly but Josh still thought he was a work of art, the temptation to get out his art book and a pencil almost taking him over. JJ ran across to the group, ducking down to hide himself. “I’m a fugitive, what am I supposed to do?” he scrambled. His tie still a mess despite his efforts to fix it and no blazer in sight. “You’re a mess” Ethan laughed, “I got caught up- I’m in so much trouble” JJ fidgeted, slightly panicked. “You didn’t get caught did you? That’s suspension-” “I’m aware of the rules Tobi, but no I didn’t get caught. I’m on my last straw, no more detentions and I’m pretty sure I’ve already gained about 4 from the no-shows” “This girl better be worth it” Simon said, worried but light-hearted. JJ could always get out of trouble but that can only last for so long. “She’s an A-star student” JJ smiled proudly. Simon raised his eyebrows, “an A-star student? She can’t have been if she decided to get with _you_ ” Everyone laughed. “Guys this is serious, I’m risking expulsion.” “Surely if you ask you’re A-star student friend to help you study, you could raise your grades from a D to a possible C” Ethan proposed, JJ knew that Ethan was right and took a second to process the idea; if he was honest, he felt very grateful. “Oh my gosh, thank you thank you thank you. In that case I need to dash” JJ began to run back in the direction he arrived from. “Wait JJ- I need to fix your tie, you’re clearly incapable of doing it yourself and if the teachers see you, it won’t be bringing your status any higher” Simon smiled, JJ smiled back “Thanks. I think Its time I got my shit together” He laughed, sitting next to Simon and looking down at his hands fumbling with the knotted material around his neck. “We all do” Tobi chuckled, “You’ve been doing better lately Jid, only up from here” “Do you actually like this A-star student girl? Like properly” Emily asked, her hand subconsciously playing with Ethan’s. “I think so. She’s gorgeous, and I mean GORGEOUS. And I can talk to her for hours. The silence is so comfortable and… I think she likes me too” JJ contently fidgeted as Simon finished his tie and moved away. “You’ve never said anything like that about a girl before, maybe this is a relationship in the horizon” Simon enticed, “I don’t know. Commitment isn’t really my thing, I guess trying can’t hurt” JJ smiled, “This girl has changed something in him you know” Tobi said. “You reckon you’ll ever bring her to meet us all?” Josh asked, “If something happens, I have to bring her here. You guys have to be on your best behaviour though” Everyone laughed once again. “So do you, make sure you don’t turn into a rabid dog” “Okay bye, I’m done with this criticism. Thanks for the help though” JJ joked, then continued to walk away with a smile.

Last period was free, a small luxury for the last years to prepare for the exams that were soon approaching. Not many people use the time for its assigned purpose. Simon didn’t have any plans this time around, a strange occurrence for him. He’d often head out with the rest of the boys but they clearly had plans of their own. Ethan, Emily and Tobi had rented out Simon’s room which, even though it was his own room, wasn’t a place he particularly wanted to be. JJ trying to save his school life was also not something he wanted to be a part of in that moment. Simon couldn’t help but feel slightly left out, but all he really wanted to do was spend time with Josh, and any opportunity to get to know him was one that should be taken. So now they were walking around the school field, hands in pockets and heads down. “Right, so what’s your big dream?” Simon asked, kicking a rock hidden between the blades of grass. “My what?” Josh chuckled, “You know, everyone has one. An astronaut, a musician, _an artist…_ ” Josh squinted up at the sun in the sky and scrunched his mouth slightly at one side. “Music video director or editor.” Josh said, glancing at Simon for a split second before smiling at the ground. “Well that’s a shock” Simon laughed, he expected a generic answer, something he’d prepared a witty reply to. “It’s something I know I’d enjoy and could use to let creativity out, sometimes I feel like drawing isn’t enough” Josh often had sudden creative bursts, the kind where he wanted to make something so badly, any delicate drawing attempts would make him want to scribble the page so hard it tore. “What about you? What’s your big life aspiration?” Josh prompted, Simon’s silence made Josh weary. “I don’t know yet, get some generic 9 to 5, get married to a nice girl, have some kids, die in my own bed” Josh didn’t understand. He saw life like it was, precious; Josh could see Simon dreamt of a life he wouldn’t enjoy and he just couldn’t wrap his head around it. “I’m not really that good at anything” Simon slumped, shrugging his shoulders. He couldn’t think of anything he’d want to do, everything seemed kind of grey. His friends helped but he didn’t really like the world; it started when he was 14 and had followed him around since. A cloud that blocked the colour. He was okay with it though, he was happy, or atleast he thought he was. “I doubt that” Josh said as they reached the woodland area on the outskirts of the field. Josh gracefully swung round the tree so that he was facing Simon. “I like football” Simon smiled, Josh smirked happy to have pushed the thoughts out of him. “Do we have a new Cristiano Ronaldo in our midst?” Josh said attempting an accent on the name. Simon chuckled, “That accent is- terrible and no, I’m no Ronaldo but I still enjoy it.” Josh looked over further into the trees to see a small ravine filled with flowing water, it travelled around a path and seemed infinite. Josh began to skip quickly towards it, “Are you coming?” He looked back with an enticing grin. How could Simon say no to that. He jogged to Josh and ran beside him along the water; Josh ran with eyes closed through the wind, there was no better feeling. “Josh wait-” Simon laughed, he knew this place like the back of his hand. He knew the river ran into a large expanse of water, he’d done fishing lessons there a few years back. Josh was heading straight for it. He didn’t have time to stop before he was diving into the water; Simon quickly grabbed Josh’s wrist in attempt to stop him. The two both collapsed into the water with heavy laughter; Josh gasped for air as he pushed his hair out of his face, Simon rose soon after repeating Josh’s actions. They both broke into hysterics , the water surrounding them slightly discoloured and their uniforms soaked through. “How did you manage to fall into a pond on your first day?” Simon giggled, pulling himself up onto the stone slabs beside the water and sitting waiting for Josh. Josh lingered and splashed around, “You’ll get hypothermia if you stay in there too long, and possibly a disease” Simon chuckled, offering a hand to Josh, “I’m a bad influence” He smiled, splashing some dirty water towards Simon, he cowered behind his hand with a laugh; “’That one friend with chlamydia’” he joked, standing up and starting to unbutton his shirt. Josh stared at Simon with a smile as he drifted to the side of the water and rested his arms on top; Simon hadn’t noticed. He undid the last button and slowly peeled his shirt off his arms and dropped it to the ground. Simon turned around with a smile and held a hand out for Josh; “Seriously, you’ll freeze” he smiled, “Fine” Josh grabbed his hand with his and pulled his legs up. Josh straightened his legs and climbed to his feet; their faces were inches apart and Josh could feel Simon’s breath through his smile. Simon indulged in the moment before realising his mistake and stepping back with a straight mouth. Feeling the now unfortunately familiar sense of disappointment, Josh quickly stripped his shirt off as well, listening to Simon’s continuous mumbling and smiling at his conversation. “We should probably take our uniforms to the laundry room as we do need them for tomorrow” Simon smiled, matter-of-factly. Though he wouldn’t admit it, he couldn’t help but glance at Josh’s naked torso; he was toned but not muscular and Simon felt slightly flustered. “Good idea, I’m going back to my room to change first” Josh said, turning around with soggy shirt in hand. “ _Our_ room” Simon laughed, “Jesus Simon, we just met and you’re already wanting me to move in with you” Josh joked, flailing the shirt towards Simon and flicking the dirt riddled water onto his naked chest. “I’m not gay.” Simon laughed, defensively. Josh could tell he’d hit a confused and sensitive nerve, but it somehow sparked some hope into him. “I was only joking, I’m sorry if I upset you” He apologised as they started to stroll back along the streamside, “It’s fine, I just used to get the ‘gay’ slur a lot” Simon chuckled, running a hand through his sodden blond hair. “You don’t _…_ you don’t _hate_ gay people do you?” Josh said, pausing mid-sentence to choose his wording as carefully as possible. “no, oh my god no of course not. I’m just, not. I guess.” “Of course,” Josh didn’t want to say that he knew Simon better than he did himself, especially as they’d only known each other for 6 hours, but he felt the signs. And the sparks. Maybe Simon was twisted, I mean Josh couldn’t know any better yet. It was highly possible that Josh was just seeing what he wanted, or was even being played, but he couldn’t deny the reality of the situation; if Simon said he’s not gay, then he wasn’t. Unfortunately.


	4. because he wasn't gay

“Who’s showering first?” Josh asked from behind the door to the en-suite, “You go, I don’t mind waiting” Simon smiled. “Okay then, don’t come in” Josh smiled back and shut the door. Simon sat down on his bed and waited for a few seconds before he heard the shower start to run; he let out a sigh he felt he had been holding in since the beginning of the day. There wasn’t much in Simon’s head that he understood, and Josh hadn’t helped. He wanted to know what was different; why his heart would beat faster around him. Why he wanted to kiss him. He couldn’t possibly like him, because he wasn’t gay. He wasn’t gay. He just didn’t like boys like that. Because he wasn’t gay. Simon wiped his hands down his face and kept them over his eyes. This inner dialogue was way too familiar and he really didn’t want the expected repercussions. He didn’t like boys and he never liked Ethan. Or Josh.                         Josh put his face to the water and let it warm his face and flow swiftly down the rest of his body; it felt a lot better to be ridden of the swamp water. He sighed as he rubbed his hair under the faucet, almost horrified at the monstrosities that fell out onto the bath’s base. Josh laughed at the thought of inviting Simon into the shower with him, obviously he wouldn’t, but the thought of his reaction was pretty funny. ‘Maybe he’d do it, but maybe he’d request a new roommate’ he thought with a grin.                           Simon finally moved from his head-in-hands position as he heard the bathroom door being opened and a cloud of steam erupt as Josh walked out with only a blue towel wrapped around his waist. “My turn?” Si asked, trying to avoid appearing too obviously infatuated. “All yours, shall I take our uniforms to the laundry room?” Josh said whilst sorting through his clothes to find something to throw on. “Yeah, wait a second” Simon began to strip his trousers off and throw them over to Josh before strutting to the bathroom and shutting the door. Josh waited for the same cue as Simon had before throwing on underwear then a t-shirt and jeans. The laundry room was the one place Josh had memorised on his tour of the school, which seemed quite convenient for the time.                       Josh stumbled into the laundry room with an arm full of uniform; there were few people in there and even fewer people actually glanced at Josh as he walked in and walked over to his assigned machine. He knew how to work it but somehow he found himself distracted; he couldn’t tell if it was the stench coming from the pond soaked clothes or the pungent washing powder but he found himself self-aware. He was in England for the first time in years and he’d already made more friends than he’d had in his entire life; maybe he belonged here, even if he was joining from the last year. “You alright dude?” A voice said with a hand on Josh’s shoulder. Josh exclaimed before looking towards the voice, “you scared me” Josh laughed, “Sorry, it’s just that you were looking at the washing machine like you’ve never seen one before” Tobi grinned, his smile turned to confusion/concern when he saw the reason for Josh’s appearance in the laundry room. “Looks like you had a mad free lesson” “Fell in a pond” he smirked, “meanwhile me, Ethan, Emily and JJ tested your Xbox. Feel’s bad that I missed you falling in a pond on your first day” Tobi laughed. “I thought JJ would be with his straight-A-student” “Ah well there’s a reason she has straight A’s. She uses free lessons to study like you’re supposed to.” Josh shrugged with a smile, “Makes sense” “So do you need help with that or?” Tobi asked, hands out ready for the clothes to be dumped on him.” “Nah, I can do it. Just feeling a bit distracted to be honest with you” Josh continued as he threw the clothes in the machine and completed the settings. “What’s on your mind?” Tobi asked, pulling himself up onto one of the machines behind Josh. “It’s sounds stupid, but I’ve never really made friends this quickly. I was expecting to be alone for atleast my first week here” Josh leant back against the now active machine. “We’d never let anyone go alone, or atleast I wouldn’t. Even if we didn’t click as friends ourselves, we’d make sure they felt welcome. Which we do by the way, click as friends” “Thanks Tob, I feel like you’re too kind to people” “It’s my only weakness” He grinned from ear to ear with a chuckle. “what’s Simon doing? I know you two went together for free lesson” “He’s showering as I dragged him into the lake with me” “Seriously?” Tobi raised his eyebrows and laughed as he bent forward towards his legs. “You’re making quite the first impressions Josh,” Josh snickered slightly, his sarcasm detector seemingly on the blink through Tobi’s sentence “Ethan said he already told you about the kiss story, which means you made a good impression on him, that’s kind of like your initiation, because he doesn’t just share that shit with anybody” “Good to know I’m not ruining this too much then” “Not at all! Do you want to come back with me to sit with others, you can come back to get the clothes later” The offer seemed to be a glowing cherry on the top of a happy day as there was nothing Josh hated more than being alone, and nothing he loved more than spending time with his new friends that somehow welcomed him in ways no one ever had. “I’d be happy to”.                                Simon sat alone in his now shared room with damp hair and damp thoughts, the shower hadn’t helped the way it was supposed to. But he felt better now, almost normal; he roughly scribbled down the answers to his maths homework onto the sheet it came with before folding his arms and leaning back in his wheelie chair. Simon looked down at the grey pyjamas he had received the previous Christmas that hung perfectly to his body and felt the mandatory home-sickness that came with a boarding school education; it only lasts for the first few days, and then football practice starts and Simon can forget the feeling. But the school meals were shit and he didn’t have any brothers to annoy, except maybe the non- biological ones which were actually better in most cases. The brothers he should probably join in the dinner hall.

 

“You’ll get used to the tastelessness after about a month” Tobi commented as he watched Josh fork his food with disgust. Most of them had finished by that time, “It’s not as bad as what was at my old school, I just had high hopes” He laughed. Eh, not everything can be perfect; after all, it was still school. “it comes with a high chance of heart disease, but that’s the only thing high about it” JJ said, spooning the food into his mouth. He was still in his uniform as usual, he would often sleep in it just for the extra 10 minutes in the morning, which the boys objected to. Being good friends, they made sure to remind him to change after about the 4th day. Tobi was in his pyjamas though, along with Ethan and Emily; it was the most common outfit at the dinner hall on the first day as everyone was just itching to be done with it. Josh scanned around for Simon, checking every entrance with a glance before looking back down to his food. “Waiting for someone?” Ethan asked, “I just hope Simon didn’t drown in the shower” He joked. He didn’t really know why he was searching for him. “He enjoys his alone time, he’ll be here” Tobi called, and perfectly on cue, Simon strolled in and smiled over at the group. “Well, well” JJ smiled at Simon as he sat down next to Josh, where his plate of gruel sat. “So, you fell in a lake?” Ethan prompted, already being told the plot but searching for the detail. “Ah um, I was _pulled_ into a lake” Simon stuttered, a laugh clutching the ends of his words. Simon jokingly pulled a face at Josh who was deemed the culprit, “Oh come on you didn’t have to grab me” He laughed, “I was trying to stop you falling to your inevitably soggy fate” Simon accused with a smile. “Alright ladies no need to fight! you’re sharing a room, I don’t want to see you both come out with bruises tomorrow morning” Emily kidded, raising her eyebrow. “Always the neutraliser Em” Tobi remarked. “I’d definitely be the winner of that fight” Simon taunted, starting to reluctantly eat his meal. “You wanna bet?” josh smirked, “I’m automatically betting on Josh, I remember that time Simon tried to fight JJ-” Simon shot Ethan a glare with meaning and Ethan shut his mouth with a giggle. JJ smirked from the left of Simon and nudged him teasingly, “You wanna go?!” Simon chuckled with false anger, throwing the little food he had on his fork in JJ’s direction. JJ moved to try to dodge enthusiastically before pushing Simon lightly into Josh. “Year 7 was a long time ago; you never know, I’ve been going gym over the holidays” Simon tried to validate himself, “I could probably beat you and I’m a fat fuck” Ethan laughed, “Way to knock a man down Ethan” Simon said contently, “with a fat joke” Ethan continued. Although the room was filled with noise, the silence between the group was comfortable and happy; they were such good friends, but also able to talk amongst themselves without the others feeling awkward or left out. They were a good group of people and, seemingly, nothing could change that.


	5. once bitten

Josh and Simon lay next to each other on opposing beds; both staring at the ceiling in silence. “How was your first day?” Simon asked, breaking the warm peace in the room with his tired words. “You should know, we haven’t parted pretty much all day” Josh laughed; Simon smiled contently, his exhausted eyes limp and almost closing on their own. “I mean how do you feel about it? The school, the people here, the food?” Simon’s laughter caught the end of his sentence, “The food is… Something I could get used to. And the people? Everyone’s been unbelievably welcoming.” Josh continued, his arms under his head moving to crossed arms. “We’re nice like that, but some of the people here aren’t. We have a lot of people with strong opinions. Racism, slut shaming, homophobia…” Josh closed his eyes with a frown at the word. It’d followed him around since he’d come out in America, but he hadn’t gotten the worst of it; many people got more than just a few beatings. “It’s none of my business though, so I try to stray away from it” “I understand that.” He muttered. The room went quiet for a while. “Hey Josh?” Simon spoke, as quiet as a whisper, “Hm?” Simon hesitated, considering whether he should bother asking. “Are you... um” Simon slowly used his arms to push himself up and look towards Josh; leaning on his hands he braced himself to ask. “Are you gay? Or anything similar…?” Simon’s voice came out more timid than he’d anticipated. Josh was mildly shocked, it wasn’t a question he was expecting. What was he supposed to say? The truth had bad consequences in the past... but he trusted Simon. “I like girls…” Josh stated turning his head to look at the exhausted but curious Simon, “but I like boys too.” Josh smiled with a shrug, then turned his head back to the ceiling. Simon wanted to smile, but he held back and replied with a small ‘okay’ before leaning back down and turning towards the wall. “Goodnight Josh” Simon said contently, his concealed smile released. Josh was scared. The short replies he’d received were exactly what he didn’t want to hear, but they were better than nothing and ultimately better than a hate speech. Josh hadn’t planned on telling anybody at the school, especially not on the first day, but it had been done and everything happens for a reason.

 

The group had made it to the weekend; through suffering the previous 4 days of lessons, they were rewarded with a two-day break and obviously, they would start on Friday night. The boys -and girl- walked out of the school grounds in the blissful darkness of the summer night; they had no intention of returning on curfew. The stars were dotted in the sky like paint splatters, iridescent in the monochrome night. Ethan, JJ, Emily, Tobi, Simon and Josh followed the path that most of them knew by heart towards the arcade; it was 9pm but the friendly heat of the season still lingered and it was times like this that Simon felt most alive. The chatter of the group seemed to silence to Simon as he looked around him; everyone was just pulsating happiness and that was a rare time when he felt it too. The assembly soon arrived at the large building that was plastered with red sodium lights and a lively atmosphere; “this looks so cool” Josh commented as they marvelled through the somewhat familiar doors. The arcade was almost home for Ethan, Tobi and Simon, it was where all their allowance was well-used and where Simon once won the biggest chocolate bar either 3 of them had ever seen. It was a year 7 dream. “That’s because it is” Tobi answered, swinging under a blue metal diagonal bar that was part of the structure of the building. “So how this usually works is: We pair up and see who can make the most money from the machines using £5 each” Ethan explained to Josh with a laugh, “What does the winner get?” Josh asked with squinted eyes, “All of the money.” Ethan teased raising an eyebrow with a smirk. “It’s on, I’m an arcade master” Josh announced looking around confidently at the machines. “I wouldn’t be so sure, Tobi has won 97% of the times we’ve done this” Ethan chuckled, looking over at Emily who’d already started the conquest. “What makes you think that I’m not partnering with Tobi?” “Because I know you’d prefer to be with Simon” Ethan said shrugging and then slowly walking towards Emily with a smile and hugging her from behind. Josh hated when people knew what he wanted when he didn’t want to admit it; he turned to look at a happily waiting Simon. “You ready now?” Simon said, waving his £5 note in his left hand. “We better win this” Josh laughed. “It’s illegal for us to use those machines right?” Josh noted, pointing towards Tobi on the gambling machines, “Technically yes, but we have a very good relationship with the guy who runs this place so we’re allowed” Simon complied, placing his hands in the pockets of his Adidas joggers. “Come on then, if we’re planning on winning” Josh smiled and walked towards them.  Simon somehow couldn’t take his eyes off him; he was wearing a black t-shirt with a red flannel shirt unbuttoned over the top and black jeans. He had a miscellaneous sense of style that Simon seemed to adore. “Come on Si!” Josh called. He’d already changed the note into coins and was hastily pressing the buttons to try and win anything at all. Simon laughed at his enthusiasm before walking over to join him; really only to watch, as he’d never been that competitive unless it came to sports. “How much have we got so far boys?” Ethan sounded jolly, which was a bad sign for Josh’s competition. “We’ve got £2 back” Emily announced, “nothing so far…” Josh said, ashamed for his rep as the arcade master. Simon couldn’t hold back a snigger, Josh punched his shoulder with a laugh “Don’t laugh at me, you’re on my team too” Simon put both his hands up defensively, folding his mouth into a line to stop his laughter. “I’ve got the big tenner lads!” Tobi cheered with JJ’s laughter accompanying. Ethan and Simon both groaned in annoyance, “Too predictable” Ethan continued to flick the buttons on the machine in front of him with the obvious precision of a god. His jolly voice had been immaturely soiled by Tobi’s predictable victory, like a child whose just lost sports day to his younger brother. But it wasn’t over yet. The games’ annoying theatrical noises and flashing fluorescent colours were followed by screams of let-down. “Are you serious?!” Ethan cried, throwing his arms in the air. Emily was in hysterics over his rage, clearly also not competitive at all. She gently kissed him on the cheek and he easily replaced the toothy anger with a calm smile. “This is our last go, bless this coin” £9 spent already and Josh was invested. He kissed the coin lightly before putting it in the machine. Simon laughed at Josh’s gesture, “Hear let me have a go” Josh moved aside but stayed close to Simon. Not to spy on his actions like it may have looked, but just for the act of being close to him.  Simon stuck his tongue out in concentration; Josh saw an opportunity for them to win actual money and launched his hand towards the square button. His hand landed upon Simon’s who had thought of the same idea. The two didn’t move their hands and gazed at each other for a split second before the machine spluttered and shook. They both averted their attention and Josh moved his hand in shock, Simon felt a wave of sadness as he felt Josh’s hand leave his but shrilled in excitement when he saw the machine. “We’ve just won £200 boys!” Simon shouted, everyone gathered with widened eyes as they celebrated. “You absolute arcade master!” Ethan shouted, whilst shakily hugging Josh. “We need to get drinks to celebrate” JJ chanted, everyone agreed. With an un-alcoholic buzz fuelling their trip to the off-licence, everyone was happy. Ethan looked at the splayed £20 notes grasped tightly in Josh’s fingers, “Holy shit, that’s serious” He gazed with dollar-sign eyes. Simon walked alongside the two with an accomplished smile; the dark made Josh uneasy but the constant touching of his and Simon’s hands was a comfort, even if it was unintentional. Simon wanted to hold Josh’s hand so badly, but his denial was the only thing stopping him; if he knew he wanted something so badly why would he believe that he didn’t. It was like something was stopping him, physically. “You guys wait here, pass me forty-quid?” Tobi gestured with his hand and Josh passed the money over, putting the rest folded in his pocket. The lights of the store were almost blinding after traipsing through the dimness of the 11pm quiet. Tobi and JJ swiftly shuffled into the store; “Are they gonna be okay getting alcohol?” Josh asked, “I mean, they’re not gonna get asked for ID?” Emily giggled slightly, “We all have connections Josh” She said, leaning into Ethan’s side. His arm was around her back and hers doing the same for him; this was how Josh wanted to be, but obviously with someone else. He had been envying every romantic encounter he’d come across in the past week, the infatuation starting to hurt slightly. “Except me, I’m the only one of us apart from you that hasn’t bought drinks from here” Simon muttered happily, “I see we’re both liquor-buying virgins” Josh smiled, Ethan and Emily suddenly seemed to be trying to conceal laughter, crippled by a deeper hilarity from the light-hearted comment. Simon seemed stern faced and did not seem to find the statement funny, or maybe he did and it was what the others had thought that was what he didn’t like; whatever it was, something had changed his mood. “I know I’m hilarious but it wasn’t that funny, so what is?” Josh asked hesitantly, glancing between E² (a comical name for the pair) and Simon, awaiting an answer. Simon knew why they were laughing, and he gained a short-term resentment for Josh for even saying the word. “Simon’s an actual-” Ethan was swiftly cut off, “I’m an actual virgin.” Simon muttered, “Feel free to let the laughs out,” Josh stood shocked. He couldn’t see Simon being a virgin, surely every girl in a range of 100 metres would be all over him; Josh could tell his open-mouthed gawkiness was not going to make Simon feel better, “Same here,” It was a lie but it took it’s intended effect; everyone stopped laughing. “No way. No I refuse to believe you. Josh Bradley the big shot American bad boy, is a virgin?” Ethan rambled, “Yep” Being a virgin wasn’t a bad thing, and definitely wasn’t something to be mocked for; so if it took a lie to stop that from happening, then he’d lie. Simon could almost feel Josh’s lie radiating off of him, but he was somehow grateful for it; he knew he should have been degraded by Josh trying to be the hero, however it was shamefully nice to have someone lie for your benefit. It showed he cares, I guess. “Virgin squad” Simon laughed, Josh put his hand up requesting a high-five. E² shared a chuckle as Simon accepted Josh’s high five; Josh’s eyes glanced towards Simon’s and a smile crept up on the corners of his lips. “And we’re in business” JJ said, as the bell on the shop door jingled, indicating Tobi and JJ’s return. Tobi carried a clear bag towards them and showed the contents; a few small glass flasks of vodka, beers and a massive bottle of something excruciatingly fluorescent pink. Though they were all undeniably cheap looking and lacked a certain element of class, there was something endearing about the bag; probably the euphoric feeling of intoxication but maybe it was something else. “Let’s head down to Ashford, nobody will be there at this time of night. Only old people go there in the day anyway.” Tobi suggested, “Having these places thrown at me reminds me how much I’m an outsider” Josh laughed, “Just follow the leader” Simon said, before speeding off down the road. “Alright then” He smiled, as everyone began to race after Simon.

“Catch!” Josh made a noise of distress as Tobi chucked him one of the vodka bottles, it landed messily in his hands as he slowly sat down cross-legged next to Simon. Simon caught his in one hand before leaning back onto the grass with his forearms; The others had already started drinking and JJ had practically downed half of his bottle. Tobi didn’t seem like he wanted to drink much but he would still sip the sharp liquid every now-and-then. Simon unscrewed the red lid and took a meaningful swig before grimacing with a pleased cough, “you’re drinking like you have something to forget” Josh said, unscrewing his lid also. Simon let out a nervous ‘hah’ and took another smaller gulp; “I’m not trying to forget, but I’m also not trying to remember” Josh breathed out a laugh, “Cheers to that” he said. The glass of the bottles clinked before they both drank; Josh coughed and spluttered with Simon’s laughter, “You okay?” He smiled, “I’m great” Josh wheezed; he teetered when Simon nudged him but pushed back with more force. They weren’t drunk yet, well, not off alcohol anyway.               Although it didn’t take long before everyone was tipsy, JJ already starting on the pink liquid; Emily was blasting music from her phone while everyone sat around and played the famous drunken game; “Never have I ever…” JJ slurred, continuing the phrase with vodka at hand. Tobi scanned around for drinkers; Simon, Ethan and Josh. Tobi wasn’t drunk, or even heavily tipsy; he was inarguably the most sober person there. He had been and always would be the ‘designated driver’ of the group, though it was by choice; he was just the kind of person to help. Many nights had been spent helping his drunken friends home or cleaning up their messes for them when they were unable. He wouldn’t know what to do without his friends; not because he needed them to help him, but because he got a kick out of helping others. And more than anything, Tobi’s friends needed him. Some days would feel like a rebellion - sick of being the nice guy - but they were rare and mostly controlled. The day Tobi broke was the day everyone fell apart.

“Right boys, I’m off” Ethan slurred with a sigh. He stood drunkenly with Emily equally as intoxicated; “We’ll be in our room,” Emily giggled. The non-reserved aspect of their friskiness was sort of compelling in a teenage-romance kind of way, it made them seem comical, or gross depending on how well you knew them. The two stumbled into the darkness, all laughter and giggles; “Bye then!” Tobi shouted, drinking the last of his vodka, slightly tipsier now. JJ was lying face down on the grass, breathing soundly with an empty pink bottle sat next to him; he clearly needed some help getting home safely, and undiscovered. Tobi contemplated staying with Simon and Josh for a while, seeing that nobody else could get as bad as JJ, but Simon could take care of them both. He was a lot like Tobi, except he didn’t hold back from the drink. “Come on Jide,” Tobi spoke, making a noise of disturbance as he struggled to stand. JJ stirred slightly, causing a laugh from Simon; Tobi poked him furiously before pulling him up. JJ gurgled sleepily, his voice inaudible; “I think we’re gonna go, I need to sneak him back into his room…” Josh’s interests perked, “You sure you don’t want us to come with you? I’m a very sober drunk” Josh said, haphazardly whirling his finger around. He was exaggerating his intoxication for the line. “Nah, I’d like for the party to continue without us” Tobi continued, “I wish you well” Simon smiled; time alone with Josh suddenly seemed more intimidating now he had a few beers and a bottle of vodka in his stomach. “Done it before!” Tobi shouted, walking away with JJ on his shoulders and a thumbs up in his free hand. Josh settled onto the grass with a laugh. The night was warm, cosy like a duvet; the stars were out and shining so brightly it seemed almost artificial. It was a perfect and cliché scene. Simon sat down next to Josh, staring up into the sky. Simon tilted his head to look at Josh; his brown eyes sparkled and he looked like he was genuinely peaceful. Simon hadn’t seen him like that before. Untamed, his hair brushed backwards, uncovering his forehead; Simon pushed his hand through the grass. “thank you, by the way” Simon spouted. Josh furrowed his eyebrows, “What for?” – “Well, you regained your virginity for me” Simon laughed, Josh followed his actions, “my virginity was lost regrettable anyway” “Ah come on, I bet it was great” “Well you wouldn’t know, Mr. Virgin” Simon pulled an extravagant pout. Josh turned to Simon with a smile before their eyes met; his smile disappeared. Neither of them knew what to say at this moment, so they didn’t. Simultaneously, heads were turned back to the sky but Josh saw an opportunity. His hand was shaking, but he hesitantly began to move it. Slowly, his hand wandered and sat on top of Simon’s. He clenched his eyes shut when he felt the soft hand on his; there wasn’t long to make this decision, and he was more than confused, but the singular phrase wondered into his head. ‘Fuck it.’ Simon delicately flipped his hand and intertwined his and Josh’s fingers. Josh felt an uncontrollable smile wash over his face; it felt right to Simon, but he couldn’t accept it. He wouldn’t accept it. -but he wasn’t going to let go just yet, just a while longer. Josh’s heart was pounding in his chest as his fingers delicately caressed the other boy’s knuckles, he didn’t want to breath in case the moment was lost. They stayed like that for what seemed like hours until Josh finally decided to speak his mind. “Si…?” “hm?” Simon’s eyes remained clamped, but his voice was softer now. “What is this?”…  Simon was always scared of things he didn’t understand and even more so of questions he didn’t know the answers to; “a friendly gesture.” He said. He felt like wincing, as if to brace himself for the consequences. Josh was determined and turned onto his side to look at Simon directly; their hands detached. “friendly.” Josh repeated. Full of hesitation, Simon turned too; He didn’t say anything, because he had nothing to say. Josh nudged closer to Simon and placed his hand on his cheek; with shaky breathing bubbling with naivety Simon threw caution to the wind. He moved forward and pressed his lips against Josh’s. Josh stared at Simon’s closed eyelids with a shocked look before closing his own. Their lips connected slowly- Josh’s hand on Simon’s cheek and Simon’s hand wandering down to Josh’s waist. Maybe it was the alcohol in his blood, or the confusing haze of the night but Simon felt something in the pit of his stomach, and in his chest. Josh moved his hand slowly to the back of Simon’s head and pushed it through his hair; this set off a different feeling for Simon, but he soon realised what was happening. He immediately pulled away, backing away from Josh, “I’m so sorry, I don’t know what I did I’m-” He was shocked at his own actions. Internally screaming with everything he had. He wasn’t gay! HE DIDN’T LIKE BOYS. HE DIDN’T WANT THIS. “Fuck” Simon pushed himself as steadily as he could in his state and began to run. It felt like a burst of emotions that had been building up for a century. He ran for his life. “Simon” Josh called as he began to stand, “Simon!” he quickly stood to his feet and watched Simon run. “Simon!” He screamed, his hand in his hair. ‘Shit!’ he exclaimed, falling to the ground to crossed legs.                                                                       Eventually Josh went back to the room. He waited alone for a long time, having an obvious reason for his insomnia; but Simon never came back to the dorm room that night.


	6. VI) or maybe he was

Simon stumbled through the familiar hidden entrance in the school gates, tears blurring his vision and chilling his cheeks. Where could he go? He was drunk, alone and so fucking conflicted. Stumbling around the grounds for a while, he realised that this was a sure way to getting caught and his room was where the problem lay, in bed, feeling just as clashed as Simon was. Who could he go to? Ethan and Emily were not to be disturbed and JJ was long gone before he even left the park. Simon was getting more distressed with every hic, his sobs concealed for the fear of making too much noise. There was nothing he wanted more than to scream. He needed somebody - Tobi. The only noise to be heard as Simon snuck to Tobi’s dorm was his sharp uncontrollable intakes of breath through his nose; he couldn’t help but stop outside his own room’s door, knowing that Josh would be inside. Even if he wasn’t, Simon wasn’t going to risk going in there. With tears still dripping from his eyes, Simon finally turned to Tobi’s door; he knocked as lightly as he could. It took a minute or two before the door slowly began to open; Tobi was almost sober now and he opened the door with vigour and a smile, until he saw Simon. His face dropped to the ground. “Si…” Tobi draped his arm around Simon’s shoulder and guided him into his brightly-lit room; as soon as the door closed, Tobi’s arms were wrapped fully around Simon’s body. Simon bunched the back of Tobi’s black shirt in his fists and let his tears drip onto his shoulder; “Do you want to talk about it or would you rather leave it” Tobi asked softly. “I need some help” Simon let go of Tobi and stood back for a second; Tobi’s face was the definition of concerned. How could something turn sour so quickly? “You can start with what happened” Tobi said, sitting down on his bed; Simon sat down on the opposing one. All the rooms were set out the same, except that Simon and Josh’s was more cramped and the furniture was obviously different. If he told what had happened, he knew he’d spill everything but there was nothing Simon wanted more than to just let go of these feelings and tell somebody. A deep breath in; “I kissed Josh” Simon was starting to feel slightly less hazy. Tobi was expectedly taken aback, but he was determined to help his bestfriend. “What? Why?” “Because I wanted to- and I think he wanted to as well. But I can’t like him, Tobi. I seriously can’t” “Why not? You can’t help what you feel” “But they can’t be right!” Simon moved from head in hands and pushed his fists into the bed beneath him. The tears weren’t stopping, in fact they were getting worse. Tobi was confused; “I can’t let people know me before I knew myself…” Simon sunk down again, putting his head on his lap and hands over the back of his head before coming back up to speak, “It means I have no control” “What people say about you doesn’t matter, they can call you names, their opinion doesn’t matter. If they just so happen to get it right, it’s only because they’ve had a lot of guesses” Tobi said with a light shrug; Simon sighed, his voice cracking. Tobi knew this was a sensitive situation and he prayed he didn’t put a foot wrong, but he was walking on thin ice. “Simon, you know that all our friends would be supportive. I can’t speak for everyone at the school, but we like you no matter who you want to kiss” Simon couldn’t speak, he could hardly think. “You can stay here tonight if you don’t want to go back to Josh, roommates with his girlfriend” manoeuvring to the opposite bed to sit next to Simon, Tobi put his arm around him; Simon was glad that he didn’t expect answers- that he could just sit and stay quiet and Tobi understood.                 Simon’s actions made a situation that required him to finally face the thing that he’d had so much trouble with: His sexuality. He kissed Josh. That was his choice- he did it because he _wanted_ to. No matter the truths in what anyone else said, Simon had to accept what it meant; that the butterflies, increased heart-rate and urge to be close to Josh were all just directions towards the inevitable truth. He liked Josh, the same way he had liked Ethan before him. In fact, he liked Josh twenty times as much. Focusing on the general crush aspect, there was something about his sudden infatuation that made him feel childish; it had only been a week and he was already doting. But the feeling was life-saving, until the conflict set in. He knew it was time to say it outright. He'd never wanted a girl once in his 16 years of life and never felt for them as he had for boys… He knew he was gay.

Tobi left it a while; he left enough time for Simon to have contemplated things before asking him the dreaded question. Simon held an automatic gulp in his throat, the relief of the confrontation being over slowly bringing a smile to his face. “So… what’s the conclusion?” Tobi’s arm stayed around Simon. Simon’s tears were starting to dry although his uncertainty still lingered in his stomach; “I think…” Simon turned his head to look at Tobi sincerely, “I think I’m gay” Tobi smiled. He’d always had his suspicions, and girlfriend prompts were used to try and get a conclusive answer, but telling Simon that would probably be a bad idea under the circumstances. In truth, he’d never been prouder of Simon and telling him that was something he needed to do. Tobi admitted his pride with a warmed smile; Simon looked down happily with watery eyes which were now caused from the feeling of thoughtful freedom. It seemed like the sticky mess that was his mind had finally started to disappear. He’d often felt stuck and held back by his thoughts and as they built up they became a web that wouldn’t let him go. “I feel a bit, better” Simon said, wiping his tears with the back of his hand. It was like a bound had been lifted and he felt a sense of freedom that made life seem a lot more appealing; sometimes the weight of problems becomes default and it’s like there’s no other feeling, and Simon was kicking himself for not facing it sooner. But he wasn’t going to care about what he didn’t do now because, for once in a while, he was happy. “Sleep off the buzz, the medicine for the headache I assume you’ll have tomorrow will be waiting for you” Tobi’s smile beamed as he stood up and headed for the bathroom. Simon stayed contently quiet, slumping into the bed. He pulled the covers tightly over his shoulders and held them close; there was only one thing that could dampen his mood: confronting Josh the next morning.


	7. VII) kiss.

Simon opened his eyes to the burning lights and instantly felt his regrets sneak up on him; his head ached but he still felt relief somehow. He recognised the room around him as someone familiars, “Tobi…” Simon groaned out into his pillow, he heard a laugh come from somewhere; “meds and some water next to you” Tobi was fumbling with some papers on his desk. There was no way Simon was going to be able function well today- “What even happened yesterday” Simon slowly moved and reached for the tablets and water that sat patiently on the ground next to him. Simon heard Tobi hesitate as the papers stopped shuffling; he thought it was too much effort to turn his head to look so he waited for an answer. “Surely you remember _some_ of it” he came and sat back on his bed with a deadly expression which told Simon that it definitely wasn’t something he should have forgotten. Tobi now started to contemplate the truth in Simon’s previous outburst, whether it was true or a drunken mistake, either way it was difficult to break it to him; Simon remembering would have been so much easier. “I remember going to the arcade- but nothing much after that” Simon sipped the water and swallowed the tablet. He suddenly felt a lump in his throat; unsure if it was foreboding or the tablet getting stuck, he cautiously enquired, “Did something happen?” Tobi shifted in his seat but opened his mouth to speak. “Well, to start off you came out” Tobi’s head slowly bowed with a small shrug.                                    “So you _do_ like Josh?” Simon had been through an array of different emotions through this conversation. From his sudden realisation, to the tears, to the second round of acceptance; he went through every stage of grief in a matter of minutes. “I do…” Simon lay face down on the bed and his words came out muffled, “What are you gonna do? Not to alarm you, but we should see the others in a few minutes, including him.” Si moved his head to the side so his words were clearer, “I think I have to tell him.” Tobi felt not only pride, but so much happiness; he hadn’t seen Simon as happy as he was with Josh in a long time, although he’d also never seen him as distraught. “Good luck” Simon forced a smile. In truth, he was shitting himself; he knew Josh wanted to kiss him, he knew Josh was bisexual but he didn’t know how Josh would react and having to spend a room with a negative reaction for the rest of the year would make even his non-education time a living hell. Now fully dressed and headache slowly numbing, Simon was dragged to the outside court by the hood of his sweater; though Tobi was small, he could be persuasive when he wanted to. Simon’s fingers clung to the soft sleeves of his hoodie as he waddled in the direction of the people; then he looked up and he saw him. He was smiling an empty grin with sad eyes; his hair was a mess and he was also wearing a hoodie. But he was still Josh, and in turn, he was stunning. Ethan and JJ also stood there, laughing hysterics and jolting each other; “hey!” JJ shouted, “Where’ve you lot been?” Josh looked at Simon and immediately looked away with a sunken face. Josh hadn’t slept at all the previous night, and he didn’t know what would happen next. As he’d formerly said, Josh was a very sober drunk and he remembered every detail of the night before; he still wanted to kiss Simon now. Under his pastel blue hoodie, he could tell Simon was feeling nervous; the hoodie was the symbol of nerves after all. “Can I talk to you and Ethan for a second…?” Tobi gestured for the boys to leave. Simon hadn’t planned for such an obvious execution and soon wished that Tobi hadn’t done it. Simon shuffled with his hands in his pockets as the three boys evacuated; him and Josh stood alone on the grass. The silence was accompanied by the sun, piercing the light material of their clothing; as if Simon needed to sweat any more than he already was. “So you told Tobi about what happened?” Josh slowly paced closer to Simon who incidentally inhaled a sharp breath, “yeah, I stayed in his room last night, had to think about stuff. Did you tell the others?” Simon could tell he was coming across as panicked “Of course not, not until we talk about it” Simon sighed; all of his recent conversations required mental preparation, it was quite exhausting. “I don’t know where to start-” “I’m sorry.” Josh interrupted. Surprised, Simon’s face sank into sadness; Josh should have been anything but sorry, an apology wasn’t needed. Josh had helped him more than he knew and, for that reason and many more, Simon thought he was no less than incredible. “I’m sorry I forced you to kiss me when you didn’t want to. I’m an asshole” Josh looked to the ground and folded his arms around his black hoodie. Simon couldn’t help but show a sudden smile at how wrong Josh was; it was almost funny. “Josh…” “What’s so funny?” They both shared a smile now and Simon knew that this was the time. “I like you, a lot. And I didn’t want to admit it at first, but… I think it’s been pretty obvious, I was and still am terrified of telling you” Josh grabbed his arm softly; “you had no reason to be worried” Josh scoured around looking for prying eyes. Tobi and the others were nowhere to be seen and there was seemingly nobody else around; with a hand to Simons cheek Josh leaned towards him. Simon grinned wider than he had for a while and pressed his lips against Josh’s and pulled him closer by the sides of his hoodie; “You’re the biggest risk I’ve ever taken” Simon said, letting the cloth at Josh’s sides go limp as he took a single step backwards; “You’re saying that like we’re a thing” Josh smirked, a taunt to test how much Simon actually wanted him. Simon’s face seemed to become slightly disheartened by the comment, “So we’re not… ‘a thing,’ then” Simon’s gloom and disappointment made Josh’s point, even though he felt bad immediately after simon’s face contorted. Josh’s short spurt of confidence was filtered by Simon’s poor attempt at hiding his distress; “We could be, if you want to” Josh smiled, Simon relaxed and any tension he felt previously disappeared. Simon didn’t have words but the giant smile and kiss on the cheek was an obvious answer; “Let’s keep it on the low though” Simon smiled and guided Josh back towards where the others would be waiting. No going back.


End file.
